Calling

It has become apparent to me that God wants my attention, my FULL attention. I have been struggling with finances and bills and other related things for a while. I have always had what I needed at the very last possible moment, but I am treading quicksand. My faith tells me that I am not being punished, but rather I am dealing with the effects of  causes. Some or most of these causes are choices I have made. Some are not.
I have prayed and prayed about these things and I don't seem to be getting better. Some of it has gotten worse. I believe my problem was that I was trying to pray my way out and don't get me wrong, I was willing to do what it took. I am not lazy, I will work, but what I didn't stop to see and hear was the reason for it all. What is He teaching me that I am supposed to use for His purpose? So He had my attention because I needed help. That wasn't enough. He wanted my FULL attention so I could learn something here, something that really matters besides my pride and discomfort. He has already shown me time and time again, that I am not doing this alone.
What I am starting to get here is a Calling. He is actually showing me something I am meant to do.
There is a passion building in me that I wasn't fully aware of. I am in training for something. Although I don't have the full picture now, I know it has to do with helping people in similar situations as me and finding new and better ways to do it. I will always remember this time as holy ground. I will remember what I have been delivered from by always being ready to extend my hand to someone who needs it. When I have a choice, I will make purchases that are in keeping with that calling, such as a pick up truck instead of a car, or a house with extra rooms, or more groceries than I need, not to sit on my shelf till I forget whats there and the expiration date is long gone, but to get them to those in need now.
The poor may always be with us, but its not a sin to try to prove it wrong. I don't intend to hang on to the serenity prayer when things get tough.
I have also learned that when one is in this position, you tend to lose a sense of self-worth. You can feel like you are lowly and less than others because of your difficulties and being humble feels like humiliation. You can think of yourself as a complete failure and you deserve what has happened. Maybe your situation is the result of bad choices, but everyone is just as guilty and nobody has anything on anyone. Their journey is just different. Pride is your enemy here. But you can still hold your head high, because you are under His grace. As I said, this is holy ground, because He is about to do something wonderful. I am privileged and He has my FULL attention.